For the past six years, Rachel Young* has been a single parent to her 11-year-old daughter Astrid.*
Becoming a single parent wasn’t on her bingo card. But now that she finds herself here, parenting Astrid has been a rewarding experience, motivating her to “grow better, do better.”
“There is no parenting manual,” Rachel said. “It can be hard to feel confident that I’m making the right decisions on things like rules and consequences, teaching the long-term lessons vs. short term complaints or frustrations.”
When you’re flying solo, you can make unilateral decisions. But without another parent to bounce ideas off, how do you know you’re making the right ones?
Rachel is fortunate to have family support, especially from her mother, her mentor and sounding board. Because Rachel started her parenting journey later than most, she not only had time to enjoy her younger years and build her finances, but she also developed seasoning that cultivates emotional intelligence. And she sports that bootstrap resiliency that characterizes DIY Gen-Xers.
The Youngs are somewhat of a success story. With a solid upbringing, omnipresent community surrounding them, and a well-adjusted philosophy when marriage and fatherhood didn’t follow Plan A, the Youngs are living their best lives.
Other single parents in Harrisburg aren’t as supported. With overwhelming responsibilities and fewer social ties, single parents are statistically more vulnerable to issues with finances, mental health, homelessness, education and domestic abuse. If single parents have no family backing, they must find chosen family and build community.
Full Potential
If you tend to live more in the virtual world, online support groups exist for those with a closet full of sweatpants. National programs, while offering financial and emotional assistance, can feel removed and impersonal. But if quarantining has taught us anything, there’s no substitute for meeting in person. Potlucks, hugs, even just being in the same room raises endorphins.
The Harrisburg area is somewhat wanting for in-person resources that focus on assisting single parents. So build community, we must.
Specifically, two startup organizations focused on single parents have been rooting themselves in the area.
For young men, the fathering.me organization provides mentorship and parenting support to young men involved with unplanned pregnancies.
“This service is designed to help new fathers reach their full potential,” said Grant Elledge, CEO of fathering.me.
Statistically, the bigger picture of father absence shows that young fathers tend to leave a child during the toddler years, leaving 25% of children without a father figure. Tapping into a clear need for community parental support, fathering.me intends to bridge that gap to keep fathers connected.
Using lessons learned, best practices, core stakeholders and a training program, fathering.me pairs young men with mentors, with both men investing at least 90 minutes per week for a year. Elledge describes the relationships as intense, focused and formal.
“It takes time for any relationship to gel, and as trust builds, I’ve seen many friendships extending beyond the year commitment,” Elledge said.
The needs are highly individualized, providing practical support for employment, money management, locating pro bono legal help, navigating relationship issues, or just listening.
“Both men receive so much from their relationship,” Elledge said. “Dads have been generous in their gratitude, and mentors develop empathy and sympathy.”
Support System
Much like fathering.me, Second Grace functions as a mentorship relationship model, pairing young women aged 18 to 25 with more seasoned women with similar backgrounds and experiences.
Callie Tomblin, Second Grace’s program coordinator, looks for versatile mentors to serve as Jills-of-all-trades. Practical support ranges from resume writing, chauffeuring, childcare or just listening.
Requiring 6 to 10 hours per month, the pairs meet one-on-one, then also monthly to leverage larger community support. Second Grace packs those meetings with learning opportunities, with speakers on critical topics like budgeting, pregnancy and sex trafficking.
Second Grace and fathering.me each had a single founder who saw a gap in community services. Both programs fill a need within the community, picking up when young people age out of foster care and other children’s services.
“If I became homeless tomorrow, I could stay with 10 different people,” Tomblin said. “These women don’t have that type of support system. Second Grace helps to meet that need.”
Elledge and Tomblin both echo the need for single parent support services in Harrisburg, citing “a vacuum of services,” Elledge said. “Resources for parents are nearly non-existent. Add to that, it’s challenging for young parents to find time to commit to a mentoring relationship.”
Studies cited by fathering.me show that spending just 90 minutes a week with other single parents can help improve quality of life. It’s especially helpful if the group is free, provides relevant education, and offers child care. If you can’t find a group, consider starting your own. Find other single parents through your church, library, hospital, YMCA/YWCA or on meetup.com.
“Stepping away from parenting responsibilities is difficult, whether you’re solo or partnered,” Rachel said.
Much like her own childhood, she’s enjoying random, fun moments with Astrid, even putting parts of herself on the backburner for now.
“I just assume I’ll have me-time again as [Astrid] naturally has more activities with school and friends rather than with me,” she said.
Rachel’s best advice on single parenting? “Life is long, but childhood is short. Don’t forget to have fun with your kids, too.”
*Name changed for privacy
Parental Resources
Looking for single parenting resources? Find a few online sources, below.
Fathering.me: www.fathering.me
Second Grace: www.secondgrace.org
SingleMom.com: www.singlemom.com/pennsylvania-assistance
Single Mom Assistance: www.singlemomassistance.org
Anna Grace Foundation: www.annagrace.foundation
Compassion Can’t Wait: www.compassioncantwait.org
PA Child Support Program: www.humanservices.dhs.pa.gov/CSWS
Emergency Assistance: 1-800-4-A-Child (1-800-422-4453)
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