“Dinner is ready!” I call out since the children are practicing their cellos upstairs.

“Coming!” I smile with a sigh, even though nobody is around. How can they hear so well when they are playing their cellos in their own rooms with their doors shut? But things always happen in this way, so it doesn’t surprise me too much.

“Hmmm…yummy!” Eva rushes down the stairs with a pleasant greeting. I wonder how she can put her cello away so quickly in a second.

“Did you cook the bitter melon for me?” Irving follows with a question.

“Yes. Did you just think about the dinner in your head when you were practicing your music?” I answer and put a dish on the table.

“No. Just now.” Irving helps arrange the silverware.

We have a very simple Christmas Eve dinner this year. The children asked for something that is not American-style: bitter melon with meat, shrimp and vegetables. This makes things easier for me since I am not really good at cooking American food.

“Mommy, say a ‘thank you’ before the meal,” Eva says after we all sit down.

“Silly girl. It is not Thanksgiving anymore!” Irving gives her a frown.

“How about a wish?” Eva changes her words right away. “Maybe Santa will make your wish come true! Mommy, what’s your wish?” She looks at me with a big smile.

“My wish? But I am not going to ask for anything from Santa. I know he can’t make my wish come true anyway…also, he is busy enough, I really don’t want to add any burden on him.” I smile with my true answer. Behind my smile and the answer, there is a wish which I really want but can’t ask for.

“I know why. Because Mommy is Santa!” Irving says with a loud laugh. “See, I am so smart! I knew it! Mommy, do you know why I sealed my Christmas wish list in the envelope?” He continues without waiting for my answer. “If it was opened before Christmas that means you looked it up already. If it wasn’t opened but comes with the wrong present that means Santa is not real, because he even doesn’t know what I asked for!” He winks across the table.

I smile at him. “Really?” I am thinking it without saying any words. Irving has not gotten any presents from his wish list for Christmas for many years. I always have given him presents which I thought were useful and meaningful, but I gave them under Santa’s name. The year before he got a Kindle; last year he got a certificate for 10 free cello lessons, which he thought had magic power to help him pass the audition to join the Harrisburg Youth Symphony. Every year, Santa sends him a letter to explain the reason why he got something different from his wish list. Now he is 12 years old, and he still believes in Santa, but only during the Christmas season, since he doesn’t want me to spend any money to buy him a Christmas gift.

Then Irving says, “Tell us about your wish, Mommy. The one you believe won’t come true!”

“I want someone back. To be with me.” I say it with a smile on my face and with my 100-percent true thoughts. Sometimes, the children don’t believe me when I tell them the truth with either a very serious or silly tone. They might think I was just joking. How can a parent tell her young children a really personal truth? How can I tell them he is the one who gave the three of us so many good times after their father left five years ago?

That relationship ended when I lost my mind and decided to move away for some stupid reasons at the end of last summer. “Why?” Irving and Eva asked me a few times with upset in their eyes and tones. “Because…” I never give them an answer. Because…because…I even don’t feel brave enough to think about it. All I have felt is sadness and regret.

“Mommy! Goodness! You know what, when you say it out loud, it might give the wish a chance to come true!” Eva almost shouts this in my face. I wonder if she really heard my words or not.

I am trying to be very polite and keep the smile as long as I can, but my heart hurts, my nose hurts, my eyes hurt. My eyes are watering, and the bitter melon is suddenly so bitter in my mouth. How can I turn down their good thoughts that show their love to me? Life is just like the bitter melon: I added some sugar to cook it, but I still can taste the bitterness through my mouth then straightforward to my heart.

Irving and Eva don’t say anything about my wish after Eva’s announcement. She is the one whose mind always jumps around. Ideas in her head are just like bouncing balls. It is very difficult to get a 10-year-old girl to think quietly and deeply. Her words just run out her mouth whenever she catches a thought. After she sends her words away, she considers her work is done. The result? She might never think about them again.

After dinner, Irving and Eva help me to clean up the dishes before they go to check the wish lists that they put under the Christmas tree and sealed in the envelopes. Eva already has on her traditional Christmas dress: black top, red skirt with some shiny flowers on it, and a red, long silk belt with a bow. When Eva is kneeling in front of the Christmas tree, the skirt becomes a beautiful round circle. Irving has his white shirt and black pants on which is his uniform for the Harrisburg Youth Symphony. I remember that he even asked for a tie this morning. Watching them so serious about that makes me want to laugh. I know their wish lists are still in the envelopes safe and unopened. I never touch them and have no idea what they want. Irving told me once secretly before he changed his mind the next day. He asked for another envelope to rewrite his wish list later and sealed it up all by himself.

This year, I bought a $200 investment for each child with a letter from Santa, wishing they will become rich if they invest their money wisely. I got the idea from a newspaper. The best part about the present is the children are not allowed to take the money out before they turn 18. For me, that sounds like a garden that grows money. All I need to do for this year’s Christmas is hang the letters up with the investment certificate on the Christmas tree later tonight and take their Christmas wish list envelopes away.

I have been saving their wish list envelopes the last few years. I never open them. I try to save those secrets as a gift until someday when they become parents. I did write down what they got, what I thought, and the reason why I bought something different. Sometimes, I feel bad for never buying the gifts for them from their wish lists. Then later I give myself some reasons: how little money I made and how I had to use the money for the things that were useful. That makes me feel I didn’t waste money. Whenever I hear them complain how their American friends’ parents bought what their children wanted and I did not, I have to remind them: “Sorry. I came from China and grew up poor. Also, I don’t make that much money. I am a single mother with two children. So, we have to live thriftily and use money wisely.” They normally don’t argue with me after I give them a reason. But they never think about how much I pay for their after-school extracurricular activities. They will know how hard I worked to support them and helped them prepare for their future. There are sometimes conflicts when they don’t get what they asked for, but I can tell they are getting a better understanding and getting closer to me after these years, especially when I am weak and they are always there to support me in their very positive ways. But I still feel very sorry I don’t have money to take them on a long trip or a vacation.

I can’t imagine what will happen when I give those wish list envelopes back to them years later. I am not sure what I did is right or wrong since the idea first came to my mind and stayed there for many years. I know I will continue to do it until the day Santa tells them they are too old to receive a gift from him or before they catch me giving them a Christmas gift under Santa’s name.

It’s 7 o’clock. Since I am taking some graduate courses this spring, I decide to do some studying while Irving and Eva are watching some funny videos on YouTube.

The book, “Exile’s Return,” is hard to understand. After I finish page 100, I get a headache. There are so many names jumping around in my head randomly. I try to find a way to tie them all up and keep them in my brain but it doesn’t work. Even the words in the book seem to be getting smaller and become fuzzy.

“Gosh!” I sigh, and then I close my eyes and lay back in my seat with a deep breath. It’s been such a long day.

“Take it easy,” a man’s voice says so gentle, so kind, and so soft. I realize it is Craig, even though I left him long ago.

I open my eyes immediately. Craig isn’t here, only Eva and Irving who are watching the video by the dinner table.

“Hello!” I say to myself with the tears running down my cheeks. “Thank you! I am so sorry for everything that I’ve done. I’m so sorry for breaking your heart. I’m so sorry for hurting you so badly and hurting myself at the same time.” My emotions take over, regret and sadness all at once.

But is Craig really here and telling me to “take it easy” when I’m tired and struggling with my studying? Does he really know what happened? Is he thinking about me now? Maybe he is always there to watch me and care about me even if I did something really wrong. My mind goes crazy, and my tears follow my thoughts down and down and down.

“Mommy! Are you okay?” I hear Eva’s voice, confused and worried. I put my hands down and see Eva and Irving kneeling down on the floor next to me.

“I am okay,” I lie. “I feel so sorry for hurting someone so badly. I am sorry,” I say while tears keep running down my cheeks.

“The one who is on your wish list?” Irving asks carefully without look at me.

“That is the reason why you listen to the song ‘Hello’ all the time? You must try to release your sorrow to that person.” Eva sounds very confident with her idea.

“Yes. It was my fault,” I sob. I don’t know why I tell them about this, but I just can’t help it. Who can I talk to? No one. Sometimes, I feel the children know about me and understand me more than I think.

“That person never answers your calls just like the song sings?” Irving speaks with a very low voice. He seems to know the answer already.

I nod my head without a word.

“That is the reason why you listen to the song ‘Hello’ all the time! Oh poor Mommy, you must have made the same mistakes as Adele. Adele was calling someone from the other side and from outside over a thousand times, but that person didn’t answer her calls either.” Eva finds her points.

“It’s not fair!” Eva stands up and walks to the dinner table. I am so puzzled when I see her come back with a piece of paper and a pen. I thought she was going to get me a napkin or a tissue.

“If I am not wrong, you started to listen to the song ‘Hello’ since it was released. Let’s count it from November 1^st. Today is December 24^th. There are 54 days already! You drive three hours on Monday, Wednesday and Friday; two hours on Tuesday and Thursday, at least one hour per day during the weekend. So there are 3+3+3+2+2+1+1=15 hours per week. So there are 7.5 weeks since November 1^st. 7.5 X 15 = 112.5 hours! 112.5 X 60 minutes per hour = 6750 minutes. The song is four minutes, and it plays whenever you turn on your car. You know what! You have listened to the song over 1,687.5 times! I knew Adele sang ‘sorry’ six times in the song. That means you apologized 10,125 times to that person already. Why hasn’t that person accepted your apology? It’s not fair! I will accept someone’s apology if they said ‘sorry’ 10 times to me.” I never knew Eva’s math was so good. She must have a great teacher who is not only teaching her how to calculate but also teaching her how to use it in real life. I stare at her and my brain is so empty; there is nothing there to help me think, feel or connect all those numbers in my mind.

“Yeah? You do?” Irving is saying that with an attitude. He disagrees with Eva at the 10 times “sorry.”

“Not for you. You need to say ‘sorry’ a thousand times then I will accept your apology.” Eva fights back with her older brother sharply.

“Okay, no more arguments. I am feeling a little better now but very tired. I may go to bed soon. If you want to continue watch the video and finish it that is fine. Please remember to turn off the lights when you go sleep.” I smile at them with my tears on my cheeks before I get up.

“Nope. I am tired too. I want to go to sleep and be good for Santa tonight,” Irving says while he stands up.

I can tell Eva wants to stay. “I am tired too.” Her tone is a little unwilling then she rushes upstairs. “The last person has to turn off the lights.” Her words left behind her.

“Sure. You do!” Irving confirms. Then he turns around to me: “Mommy, I’m sure you need to get some rest. Before I go to bed I want to share a quote with you: If ‘plan A’ doesn’t work out for you, don’t worry. You still have ‘plan B’ to ‘plan Z’. As long as you don’t give up, you will be there. We will be there with you. Always! Good night!” Irving is almost as tall as me. I can see his face right in front of me. He smiles and gives me a wink, and then he gives me a quick good night hug.

A wink! Like someone turned on the water then forgot to turn it off, my tears are running again. How can I tell Irving the wink he did is the same as that person gave me before. I wonder when Irving learned that. From that person? Or that person is using Irving to show me he is always with me? Or just some of my own nonsense thoughts play around in my mind at the end of a long day? Or maybe I am just too tired.

Too many questions without answers. I feel my headache is getting worse and worse. Before I close my eyes on the bed, I set a timer at 11:50, which will remind me that I need to get ready for the children’s Christmas gifts.

I wake up at 10 minutes till 12. My head is so heavy, and I have to use my hands to hold it while I sit up. Time to hang up the Christmas gifts for the children. But first I realize I have something to say to Craig.

“Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year! The Best Wishes.” I send out a message to Craig then lock my phone. No matter what, there is a space for him in my heart, and I always hope that he is well.

The Christmas tree is lit up and it makes the living room fill with holiday spirits. “So pretty.” The lights are bright in different colors and that makes some of the ornaments turn into colorful crystal balls in the tree. I lean over and try to look carefully.

“Mommy! Ah-ha…I knew it! You are Santa!” I hear Irving shouts behind.

“Oh…I thought there is a real Santa!” I can tell how disappointed Eva is from her voice.

“No. I am not. I just want to make a wish before Christmas. You are right, even if there is only 0.1-percent chance that my wish will come true then I should still try it.” I tell them the reason why I am here but skip the part about Santa.

“Really? Good job, Mommy!” Eva cheers up for me. She runs over and checks her wishing list envelope quickly. “Santa didn’t come yet.” She says peacefully. “Mommy, hurry up! Make a wish before Santa comes!” She still remembers my wish.

“Hmm…maybe I shouldn’t make such a wish.” I feel my strength weaken. “I was the one who made a big mistake and hurt someone so badly. I am so sorry. How can I make such a wish from Santa? It is not fair to that person and Santa. I don’t think there is any chance I could have that person back. Maybe I should just leave him alone and live in my own regrets and sadness.” Everything is so sparkling in the tree now, and I can’t see anything clearly.

“Mommy, please don’t say that. Don’t cry. Please…You are the greatest mother and one of the greatest persons in the world. I am sorry for your mistake. How can I help you? I don’t want to see you cry at the holiday. Please…” This is first time they have seen me cry at Christmas. My tears must really bother them, especially Eva. In China, people always believe daughters are their mothers’ bosom friend. I can see and feel that sometimes from Eva.  

I shake my head and let the tears fall off my cheek freely. There is no way Santa could make my wish come true unless Craig wants to come back. There is nothing Santa can do. There is no Santa in the world. How can I tell the children the truth?

“Mommy, I have an idea! I have an idea! How about I change my wish to support you? Now my wish is wishing your wish comes true!” Eva sounds so excited and her eyes are so bright!

“No. Eva. In that case you won’t get anything from Santa this year…Also you might just waste your chance for my wish which is almost 0 percent to come true!” I refuse her idea with a hug.

“Yes Mommy! Your wish plus my wish will make the chances become double. Right, Irving?” Eva won’t give up. Now she is trying to make Irving to join the group.

“Mommy, count me in.” Irving gives me a hug and leans his head on my left shoulder. “I know that person is Craig, and you miss him so much. He is one of the greatest people I ever met. I miss him too. Remember what I said earlier? If ‘plan A’ doesn’t work out for you, don’t worry. There is still ‘plan B’ to ‘plan Z’. Don’t give up please. Did you get it? ‘You’ means Craig and you. ‘We’ means all of us.” I cannot believe my 12-year-old son has grown up more than I can imagine. Did I push him too much? Or is he just following the rules of nature to become a big boy? Maybe Craig has always been in Irving’s heart.

I don’t know how to express all my feelings, just tears. I am so happy to have two great children who really understand me, I am happy we are doing well, I am happy we are here as family, and I am sad at the same time. I made a mistake, and Craig wasn’t here. Craig is the missing part in my life, I feel so sorry for hurting him. Will I ever get a chance to have him back?

“Mommy, what time is it?” Eva asks me. I take my cellphone from my nightgown and give it to Eva. “Mommy, it is exactly 12 o’clock!” Eva just cannot hold her excitement. As soon as she put my phone on the tea table that is next to the Christmas tree, she yells “Merry Christmas!” then jumps up and down.

“Merry Christmas!” I murmur. “I am sorry. Both of you won’t get anything from Santa this year. See, I told you my wish might not come true and you wasted your chances.” I don’t know how to comfort them about not getting anything from Santa this year. I cannot tell them the gifts are in my book bag and I didn’t get a chance to hang them up yet; I cannot tell them Santa is the one who loves them so much and always shows them the love without asking for any return; I cannot tell…But before I can find the appropriate way to say something, we all hear a man, Xianqi Ren, sing “I’m a fish” loudly:

“I need you. I am a fish. The bubbles in the water are your little bad temper and mistakes. I cannot live without you. Please I want your true love. Even if it is the end of the world I won’t be afraid! Why can’t we be together? I need you!” It is coming from my phone! It plays a very lovely Chinese song, and it starts in the middle of the most of romantic part! How is that happening! My phone is locked. I have over 50 songs in my phone, and they never automatically play, especially from middle of nowhere!

“Mommy! Mommy! Santa is here! He makes your wish come true! See, you have to believe Santa’s magic power!” Eva hugs me so tightly; it seems she is afraid the good luck will run away from me. “Thank you Santa. You are the best!” She sounds like she is whispering to Santa who is next to her.

“Mommy, I am so happy for you. This is the best wish I ever made. You deserve it.” Irving gives me another hug.

“Thanks. Thank both of you.” I murmur with my joyful tears. Is heaven real? Who sends me the good omen? How can things just happen that match my wish perfectly? Does Craig know I miss him so much at the moment? Is he still awake and thinking about me at the same time? Is there any chance for us to start over again?

I hug both Irving and Eva in front of the Christmas tree. My eyes are still watering, and the Christmas tree looks like a 3D watercolor painting. The questions are just like the colorful lights in my eyes. Maybe the answers will show when the time is right.

“All good things happen at the right time,” Craig once told me. Now I finally understand all that has happened.

Suping Chen majored in American Studies at Penn State Harrisburg. She is now teaching at Elizabethtown College and Trinity High School.