As a public service, TheBurg offers a “fair and balanced” interpretation of President Donald Trump’s speech last night at the state Farm Show Complex.
Trump: I’m delighted to be here in Harrisburg to mark Day 100 of my presidency. Everyone knows that I’ve had more success in my first 100 days than any president ever.
Crowd: Wild applause
Now, some of you, I’m sure, are aware of all the promises I made during my campaign and in my “100-Day Contract,” which is why the banner in this hall reads, “Promises Made, Promises Kept.” We’ve kept them all, folks!
And I promised you that I would repeal Obamacare on Day 1!
And have I?
No, I have not, but that’s only because no one knew that healthcare reform could be so hard. No one. But the fake news media won’t tell you that, folks.
That’s right. They won’t tell you about all my tremendous accomplishments, and I know because that’s where I get most of my false information.
From Fox primarily.
Hey, we’re gonna build that big, beautiful wall on the border with Mexico—and who’s gonna pay for it?
That’s right, you are! You and you and you over there, way in the back. Mexico might, someday, maybe, because Donald J. Trump will pay you Tuesday for a hamburger today.
And then none of those MS-13 thugs will flood over the border into our great American nation to rape and rob and murder, even though MS-13 is actually a Los Angeles gang that spread from the United States into Central America. But you don’t know that, do you?
We do not!
Hey, and speaking of Mexico, I repeatedly promised that the United States would withdraw from NAFTA. Worst deal ever! So, have we?
No, we haven’t. But, don’t worry, folks. Mexico and Canada will come back to the negotiating table because . . . hey, what about our amazing veterans, folks? Give our vets a huge round of applause!
Then there’s China.
You all remember what I said about China, right?
Unfair trader! Currency manipulator!
And our new best friend!
Chant begins: Lock her up! Lock her up!
We’re not doing that.
Now, I also promised to drain the swamp. I admit, we’re a little behind in that effort, since I’ve only nominated 37 people for 530 senior-level jobs in the agencies. So, if anyone in this room would like to be an associate deputy undersecretary in the Department of Labor or a deputy United States Trade Representative, please let Mike Pence know. Anything not claimed by the end of the night is going to Jared Kushner.
OK, now folks, let’s talk tax cuts.
I promised you that, within the first 100 days, I would slash the corporate tax rate from 35 to 15 percent. Is anyone in this room a corporation? No? Over here? No? That’s OK. I haven’t done much about that either.
More wild applause.
But it’s not just corporations, folks. I also plan to eliminate the despised death tax, hated by everyone with an estate over $5.45 million. I’m sure that applies to almost everyone here.
Now, I made a bunch of other crazy promises in my 100-day contract—things like the “Restoring Community Safety Act,” the “End the Offshoring Act,” the “Affordable Childcare and Eldercare Act” and the “Restoring National Security Act.” But you folks have never heard of any of these—and I haven’t done anything about them anyway, so we’ll just forget about them.
In conclusion, I would like to reminisce for a moment about my wonderful campaign, and I know you all were there for me. Give yourselves a big round of applause for Making America Great Again!
So, I once said, early on, during a campaign stop in Iowa, that I could stand in the middle of Fifth Avenue and shoot somebody and still not lose my voters. Bang! Good night!
Author: Lawrance Binda