Welcome to Nine-One-One Emergencies, a service of Privatization America, under contract with your government. Freed of burdensome federal regulations, and of labor contracts which hamper public agencies, we can give you better service at lower cost and still return a reasonable profit to our investors and pay our chief executive an appropriate salary with competitive bonuses and parachutes.
If you have a touch-tone phone, please listen carefully to the following options before making a selection, as our menu has changed. If you have a rotary phone, hang up, as no one will respond.
When you reach a customer care representative, speak slowly and distinctly and remember: at the wages we pay in our off-shore call center, we are not always able to employ persons who fully understand the English language.
If you wish to report a fire at a property which is on the tax rolls, press one,
If you are delinquent in paying your property taxes, please hang up now. Clear this up, get a receipt, and call us back. We want to help you, but unless your government has the money to pay for our services, you are up a tree.
If the fire is in a tax-exempt property, we can’t help you. This is a service to taxpayers, not freeloaders.
If you wish to request medical assistance and have medical insurance, press three.
If you have no medical insurance please press four for a list of area hospitals and physicians who will treat emergency patients who do not have insurance coverage. A neighbor can drive you to the most convenient facility.
If you wish to report a burglary, armed robbery, car-jacking, shooting, or other violent crime , press five. If you have a video recording device and can use it intelligently, you may be able to sell the resulting live action shot to a television station for a considerable sum if the disturbance is sufficiently violent. Alternatively, a lawyer may offer you a lot of money for it.
If you are a member of the National Rifle Association, press six to be connected directly with the NRA President. Tell him of the incident and the action you have taken. You should have been prepared to dispatch the perpetrator(s) yourself. You may be asked to explain your failure.
If you wish to request assistance in a domestic dispute, first obtain written permission from all parties to the dispute, and then press seven. This is for our protection; our staff cannot to be slapped with lawsuits for interfering with normal family activities.
If you are calling about an Act of God, consult a minister, priest, rabbi, imam, or other holy man of your selection. We do question God’s motives.
If your cat is in a tree and cannot be persuaded to come down, be assured that the cat does not consider this an emergency. Your cat is simply testing your patience. Do not tie up the telephone line.
If at any time after selecting the proper menu option you hear music, it means our customer care representatives are busy. Please stay on the line, as your call is important to us, and we will answer your call in the order in which it was received. If you hear an announcer soliciting your support for a public radio station, you may pledge if you wish, but our response to you does not depend on the level of your pledge.
If you wish to listen to this menu again, please press eight and listen more carefully to the menu options. You only get two chances.
Do not press zero expecting to get an operator. You will not get one.
You can also reach us on the internet. Our services menu appears between the 25th and 26th screens of advertisements. Be patient: some of the full-color ads take time to load. Please patronize our advertisers.
Remember, we want to help you.
David Hoffman lives in Harrisburg.
