Under a new proposal in Harrisburg, this family will pay more in taxes.
Line Divides Market Street
The Dauphin County commissioners last month painted a solid white line down the middle of Market Street, just daring Mayor Eric Papenfuse to cross over it.
“I got the idea from ‘The Brady Bunch,’” said Chairman Jeff Haste. “You know, the episode where Peter and Bobby divide their bedroom in two?”
Haste laid claim to everything on his side of the line, including the Citizens Bank branch and the bus station. Papenfuse immediately retaliated, saying that Bacco and the Pita Pit belonged to him.
“Let’s see him try to get a chicken wrap now!” said the clearly excited mayor.
At last report, Haste and Papenfuse were making faces at each other from across the street, occasionally running up to the line like they were going to go over it, but then scurrying back at the last moment.
Budget Talks Start
Pennsylvania legislators began work today on the 2017 state budget, vowing to complete it before all life on Earth ceases to exist.
Sen. John DeSantos, R-Beaver, made a bold pledge that a bipartisan budget agreement would be reached by the time our sun expends all the hydrogen fuel in its core and swells to 166 times its current mass.
“Mark my words: This will be done before our planet becomes a stark, lifeless desert,” said DeSantos.
Sen. Joshua Tyrell, D-Allegheny, said he would “up the stakes,” setting a timeline for a preliminary budget accord while vast seas of lava were still melting down the Earth’s mountains.
“The other side wants to delay until the sun runs out of helium,” he charged. “Our side will wait only until the Earth is a burnt-out cinder.”
Pa. Something Something
A horrific, yet offbeat and hilarious crime occurred recently somewhere in Pa., PennLive reported today.
A Pa. man and a Pa. woman committed their dark, if comical and somewhat lewd, act in Pa.
The Pa. couple’s felonious, kinky hijinks occurred nowhere near Harrisburg, in a Pa. county that may be near Bradford or maybe Ohio—no one really knows. Still, it made local Pa. readers feel superior to what are clearly total pieces of Pa. trailer trash.
“It happened in Pa., Pa., Pa., Pa., Pa., Pa., Pa.,” remarked the writer-robot before someone hit the on/off switch to reboot it.
Everyone’s a Winner
Every person in the greater Harrisburg area will receive an award this year, according to a joint announcement last month by the Central Penn Business Journal, Harrisburg Magazine and Susquehanna Style.
The three publications have expanded their annual awards deluge to include 631,000 people in 55,000 categories, including “Best of” and “People’s Choice” awards for notable achievements in cutting the grass, watching TV and driving.
“My plaque points out how I usually pass on the left,” said Sheila Wyler of Mechanicsburg. “I’m so happy that someone finally noticed.”
Wyler’s 8-month-old son, Evan, is himself a proud recipient of a “10 under 10 Months” award.
“He would say he was honored,” Wyler said, “if he could speak.”
Goose Tax Passed
Harrisburg’s Canada geese will pay more in taxes under a new Goose Services Tax (GST) passed last month by City Council.
“These birds use our city to eat, mate and excrete, but don’t pay their fair share,” said Council President Wanda Williams.
The GST is aimed at the city’s migratory geese, though resident geese also will see their taxes go up.
Council is also said to be considering several other revenue enhancement proposals, including a groundhog tax, a squirrel tax and a tax on the garbage that drifts by the city on the river each day.
“Honk,” said some random goose in Riverfront Park before flying off to hunt for roots and grubs in a different municipality.
Chief Talks Down Lightning
Catastrophe was averted during a storm last night, as Harrisburg Police Chief Thomas Carter talked an impending lightning strike out of the air without incident.
“Think about your electrons,” Carter could be heard calling calmly towards the sky, where a dark cloud floated menacingly with a dense load of electric charges. “You don’t want things to go any worse than they have to.”
Officials said the ball of static energy was initially ready to lash out at random, but that the police chief’s courteous tone and gentle assurances convinced it to proceed safely down a distant plasma channel and into an uninhabited patch of ground.
“I grew up with these storms,” Carter said with a shrug, as officers moved to surround the site of the discharge. “They know I’ll treat them with respect.”
Stadium To Be Shared
FNB Field on City Island can expect a lively month, as its owners have announced plans to share the stadium with additional sporting and entertainment events as part of a plan to make the venue more financially sustainable.
Rugby, field hockey and a three-ring circus are expected to draw additional fans to the island ballpark, which is already being shared between the Harrisburg Senators minor-league baseball team and the City Islanders professional soccer team.
Skeet shooting, gladiator fights and the modern pentathlon will round out the packed schedule, increasing ticket sales and helping to pay back the city for its investment in the facility.
“Obviously, the occasional overlap will take some getting used to,” said groundskeeper William McGowan as he loaded up the clay pigeons that will be launched from an elephant’s back in the outfield during scrums. “We are hopeful the gladiators and circus will at least share their tiger.”
Museum Exhibit Opens
The National Civil War Museum last month announced plans to open a second exhibit sponsored with grant money from the National Rifle Association.
The exhibit, called “Cold Dead Hands,” will combine the museum’s collection of antique firearms and the lifeless, desiccated hands of Civil War soldiers from which visitors are tauntingly encouraged to try to pry them.
“Total coincidence,” said museum board member Gene Barr, when asked about the overlap between the exhibit’s title and the famous NRA slogan regarding the right to gun ownership. “We came up with it ourselves.”
The guns will be shown for three months or until stolen, whichever comes first.
City Recriminalizes Vices
The administration of Mayor Eric Papenfuse last month made it a summary offense to engage in previously-legal vices, including cigarette smoking, drinking, swearing and adultery, as part of a sweeping upgrade to the city’s criminal code.
The reform efforts began with plans to reduce the penalty for marijuana possession from a misdemeanor to the lower-grade summary offense.
But they quickly expanded when observers noted that the consuming the drug was no more harmful than many other behaviors.
From now on, it will also be a minor crime to tell a white lie, take the Lord’s name in vain, exchange lusty glances with a member of the opposite sex and play poker except for the purpose of wholesome bonding during family game nights.
“This is about internal consistency,” Mayor Papenfuse said, as he approached a young woman dancing suggestively at a downtown bar and slipped a citation into her pocket.
Monument Erected
A monument to honor Harrisburg commuters was unveiled last month, recognizing decades of unsung contributions by non-residents to the capital city.
Four square residential blocks were flattened to make way for the memorial, which consists of a giant sculpture of a frowning man in an SUV pointed towards the closest exit from the downtown.
“Finally, a little gratitude,” said local commuter John Friedberg, speaking from one of several suburban viewing towers that were built so honorees could appreciate the memorial from a safe distance.
The monument is slated to be open Monday through Friday, 8 a.m. to 4 p.m.
Crazy Shit Day
All the crazy shit that happens in Harrisburg over the course of a year will be condensed to a single day this year, the city announced last month.
Harrisburg Police Chief Thomas Carter is asking all ISIS wannabes, fraudulent Ukrainian high school students, wilding youth and museum robbers to wait until Crazy Shit Day, which will be June 17.
“Do you plan to have sex on the roof of an office building? Do you want to harass someone about your stolen valor? Are you a former mayor with a house full of Wild West artifacts?” asked Carter. “We’ve reserved one day just for you.”
A lawsuit against the resolution was immediately filed by former mayoral candidate Lewis Butts.
Editor’s Note: All the crazy shit examples in this story actually happened. We made up everything else on this page. Happy April Fools!
