When I was in college, my grandmother was diagnosed with dementia.
Some days, assisting her was relatively simple—just finding things she had misplaced around the house or reminding her of names. But other days were harder, such as those occasions when she didn’t recognize us or saw people who weren’t there. Our immediate family became my grandmother’s constant caregivers—giving her medications, staying up at night with her when she couldn’t sleep, taking her to doctors’ appointments.
Every day across the United States and beyond, individuals and families are adapting to similar caretaker tasks and roles—sometimes with assistance, often alone.
It struck me recently, when hearing about a friend dealing with a very sick parent, just how often many of us fill the caregiver role for others, whether it’s caring for an elderly parent, a sick child, a significant other, a neighbor or a friend in need. I’m certain many who are reading this have been or are currently in similar situations of caring for a loved one. This can be stressful, exhausting or, at times, even overwhelming. Being a caregiver can challenge us mentally, emotionally and physically—and even lead to burnout.
According to a report from the National Alliance for Caregiving (NAC) and AARP, “Caregiving in the U.S. 2020,” the number of family caregivers in the U.S. increased by 9.5 million during a five-year span beginning in 2015, before COVID-19. “Family caregivers,” the report found, “encompass more than one in five Americans. The study also reveals that family caregivers are in worse health compared to five years ago.”
As caregivers, we are so focused on caring for others that too often a very important person is overlooked or forgotten: ourself.
In a recent podcast from the Cleveland Clinic, staff psychologist Adam Borland emphasizes that, “oftentimes, we misconstrue this idea of attending to our self-care as somehow being selfish. And it’s not the same; it’s really not. And oftentimes, I remind my patients that in order to be the best friend, or spouse, or parent, or child, or whatever it might be, you have to attend to your self-care. If your tank is empty, you can’t be the type of person you want to be to these others in your life.”
I agree with Dr. Borland: Self-care isn’t “self-ish.” Self-care is about maintaining our own wellness so that we can have the mental and physical health to support and care for others. Even small acts of self-care can have significant impacts on our overall wellbeing.
If you are in a caregiving role, or feeling stressed or experiencing symptoms burnout, here are some strategies for practicing your own self-care:
- Find someone to talk to. This could be someone you feel close to who can provide you non-judgmental opportunities to simply just “spill.” If you feel like this might be too much for a family member or friend, seeking help from a professional who is trained to offer a safe and non-judgmental setting is perfectly OK.
- Find ways to refill your tank. Maybe, if you’re like me, getting lost in a book for a while is a way of recharging your battery. Maybe you simply need alone time to rest or you prefer socializing with others to help re-energize. Find the ways that help you feel rejuvenated, and make time for those activities when you feel low.
- Set healthy boundaries. Give yourself time, and commit to it, when you can take care of your own physical wellbeing. Set aside time to exercise, sleep and maintain a healthy diet. Define your boundaries to others, but also ensure that you recognize the importance to yourself.
- Write it out. Writing your thoughts and feelings in a journal provides a safe outlet for emotions that might otherwise be bottled up. Journaling also offers our brains a way of problem-solving, of taking big problems and breaking them down into parts to make them more manageable.
- Practice gratitude. In a world where it is so easy to find negativity and pessimism, it may take work to identify the good that we can feel thankful for. Expressing gratitude—whether verbally, mentally or through journaling—can have enormous benefits in reducing depression and anxiety, improving sleep, and resulting in better personal relationships. Practice counting your blessings each week, coming up with a few things that you are grateful for.
- Practice compassion. Whether directed toward yourself or others, small, deliberate acts of compassion may help reduce feelings of burnout and make you feel better about yourself. Sometimes practicing something like this five-minute self-compassion break can help us accept that we don’t always have to be perfect.
- Lighten your load. It’s OK to ask for help. It’s a tough thing to do, but you’d be surprised how much your community and social network is willing to step up and help you.
- Focus on what you can control. Recognize that we cannot always control everything happening around us. What we can control is how we react, through our behaviors and interactions.
The most important advice for your self-care is to advocate for yourself and make caring for yourself a priority. Embracing these acts of self-care, no matter how small, is not selfish but rather an essential step toward making us a healthier version of ourself.
Gretchen Day is vice president of health innovation and advanced strategies at AIA, Alera Group, a community publisher for TheBurg. For more information, visit www.aia.aleragroup.com.
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