Terri Bowling, child grief specialist, tells a story of a macho football captain playing a heated game of air hockey with a 4-year-old girl.
“Both were having fun,” she said. “All the children are going through the same things; no one is the odd one out.”
Bowling serves as outreach and education coordinator for Caring Place, a safe space where grieving children and families come together to form a support group for one another. It is kids helping kids. The Caring Place is an essential resource and has been offering free support services for the Harrisburg community for a decade now, this year marking its 10-year anniversary.
The Harrisburg location is one of four Caring Place centers, all located in Pennsylvania. The initial Caring Place began in 1988 in downtown Pittsburgh, “giving grieving children a place to go,” explained John Kajic, child grief specialist and manager of Caring Place.
Within Caring Place, each child’s experience is created by his or her effort and participation. The program is designed in group sessions spanning about five months. These groups are made up of children and families who eventually become the foundation of peer support for each other. There is no guiding curriculum, only that each group forms its own goals and guidelines, recalling the exception paradox, “the only rule is no rules.”
One teen who had gone through the Caring Place program after a loss of her brother and father described the process.
“If you don’t want to say anything, don’t say anything. If you want to listen to music, listen to music. We talk about it sometimes, and other times we put it aside and we just talk about what’s going on in our lives.”
Each peer support group functions differently from one another, but all are consistent with the idea of a communal bond, a safe place for one another. “How we define a family is how they define themselves,” explained Kajic, who manages four other staff members and roughly 180 volunteers.
“The success of the group is where they can feel safe with each other,” said 10-year volunteer Tony Lobato. “A lot of time folks tiptoe around them. Within their groups, there is the opportunity where they are not the only ones going through this.”
Lobato continued to explain the therapeutic process of simply sharing experiences.
“I’ll say to the kids, this is after they are comfortable sharing and everything else, I’ll say, ‘How many hear a special song or a special something and tears come to your eyes because you remember?’ Their hands go up. They’ll say, ‘Mom loved this.’ ‘Dad liked to have a beer and watch Jeopardy.’ It gives them some outlet. Sometimes, you can see the calm come over them because they’re sharing.”
The group sessions include various activities created to aid in the grieving process. An example is the specially designated activities room with air hockey tables decorated with group quilts along the walls. The quilts are a part of a therapeutic remembrance activity where the child or family celebrates the life of a deceased loved one on a square piece of fabric, which is then compiled into a large quilt.
Lobato explained the quilt-making. “It gives them something to come together…it’s so personalized and makes it so special.” Once the quilt-making process is finished, there is a ceremony, a celebration of the past, presenting the group’s finished quilt.
“It’s a beautiful ceremony where they unveil it, and they bring their families…it’s very impressive,” said Lobato.
At the conclusion of the five-month cycle, the names of each group member are added to the Tree of Growth. Each name is on a single leaf, and the leaves are organized in bunches representing each individual group. The names make up a full lush tree of leaves with the names of everyone who has gone through the program.
Lobato explained, “In the very last session, after everything’s done, we tell the kids their names are up on the Tree of Growth. They love it.”
This constant support is impossible without the work of the roughly 180 volunteers. They are the heart of the community resource.
“As long as there is a child affected by death, there is a volunteer to tend to them,” said Kajic.
“We are facilitators,” explained Lobato, a retired accountant. “You just have to care and be sincere. I truly care about these kids.”
To learn how to volunteer at Caring Place, contact Val Fletcher, volunteer coordinator, at valerie.fletcher@highmark.com. To become a volunteer, no special experience is required, only the care and willingness to support grieving children and families.
If you or a family member is seeking support after the death of a loved one, stop by the Caring Place, 3 Walnut St., Lemoyne, and find support and shared experiences.
